Getting the balance right - the good bits and the bad

Over the last few days I have had some remarkably interesting conversations with journalists about sexual pleasure in response to a booklet for professionals called 'pleasure' published by NHS Sheffield.    All of the journalists have had different perceptions about the booklet, often depending on whether they had read it, or on their view about young people and sex.  

Whatever their view what has interested me is that people are able to take this out of context and be surprised that we should talk about pleasure as part of the mix with young people.   Yes of course we should be talking to them about the risks of having unprotected sex, yes we must talk to them about pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, yes we must talk to them about exploitation and about coercion.  

But as one young person said, 'if sex is only about getting an infection or about getting pregnant when you don't want to, why do people do it.  It must be fun as well'.  And when I was in Holland two years ago when I spoke to young people, young men and young women, it was clear that they did expect sex to be fun, to be a positive experience.  They did expect, and were expected to have sex with people they trust.  

And as Kristen Luker, a eminent researcher in the USA says, you get what you expect from young people - if we expect them to enjoy and take responsibility for the sex they have, they will.  If we expect them to make bad decisions they will.

So, for me the remarkable bit about the conversations I have had, is the accusation that this is liberal lefty nonsense and the sense that we can promote sexual responsibility by frightening young people about pregnancy and STI's.   As young adults if someone had told me and many of my peers that sex should be emotionally satisfying it would have been incredibly helpful!  

As parents, family members and professionals we must ensure young people know sex should be rewarding and satisfying, emotionally and physically, and if it isn't they should be asking do they want to do it at all.

When sex isn't thrilling

I wrote earlier this week about Faye Weldon's interview where she described her early sexual experiences as thrilling.   Our early relationships and sexual experiences shape our thinking and expectations for the future. So whatever, or whenever we think or hope young people will start having sex we must hope that their early sexual experiences will be good.  

I was thinking about how this contrasts with the early experiences of so many young people that I have worked with over the years, and in particular remember working with a group of young mum's.   We were discussing their right to take control of their bodies following the birth of their babies, and how some of them were finding it difficult to say yes, say no or yes to that but not this with their partners, and that this was particularly true if they were with a new partner, who they felt believed their bodies were fair game because they had had children.

We went on to discuss negotiating sex and using condoms.  'Condoms may make sex last longer' 'yuk make it last longer who wants to do that' was pretty much the consensus.   I remember leaving the group feeling quite sad.  And as I have said before, every day at Brook we see so many young people who are negotiating sex well and making decisions that are right for them - and we also see young people who don't feel in control of their bodies, their relationships or their lives. 

We must create expectations for young people that sex should be positive and rewarding - something they choose, want, enjoy and take responsibility for - even thrilling - if we are going to change the way young people choose and experience sex.  If we don't we will be failing the thousands of young people who would rather not have sex, don't know if they have had sex, and certainly don't experience the thrill that it can bring if the circumstances are right.